One of my friends recently had a baby. I was texting with him and i asked him when they’re coming back down here so we could all see the baby and stuff. He replies and mentions the baby’s name, which I had forgotten.
His fucking name is Apollo
And honestly, all I could think about was this….
I CANT HELP IT
does this make me a bad person?
His kid is fucking gorgeous thooooooo. <33
I’m going to eXXXotica todayyyyy. I’ve been working for this company for about 6 years and I have yet to go. -.-
I’m extra excited cause some of my coworker friends who are working the event rented out a hotel room andddddd apparently there will be partying. >:D
I’m so down. It’s been a long short week this week. I’m ready for some funs.
The guys (and Justine) and I were talking about forgiveness today. Forgiving our parents, in particular. I’m not sure how the topic came up but it did and i threw my two cents in there and I came to a new found realization.
I remember sometime last year one of my good friends, who is practicing Buddhism, was talking to me about my dad. I was telling her that I didn’t care about him, I dont talk to him, I just wished he’d leave me alone and not contact me anymore, etc etc. She then began talking to me and asking me questions about these feelings towards my dad. I tell her i’m fine with not talking to him. I didn’t tell her this part because it was my little secret; but a part of me was still hurt by him and I knew deep down that my ignoring him and not wanting to talk to him was just me avoiding getting hurt by him again. She began to tell me that as long as I feel ok with my decision to not talk to him, then it’s okay. If my conscious was clear if he were to pass away, then it was okay. Except it wasn’t. I was still hurt by him so I told her I didn’t mind if my conscious was clear or not because I just didn’t care anymore but that was only partly true. I didn’t want to admit to her that i still cared and that I still hurt because I just didn’t want anyone knowing that at the time so I agreed with her and told her I was okay.
Some time after that, I saw him at my cousins wedding. I still didn’t want anything to do with him nor did I want to talk to him, so i didn’t. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I’d just ignore him but he hadn’t seen all the ways he’d hurt me my whole life so i didn’t care and a part of me felt so fucking good for that. He had also made a lot more effort to go see other family members (not including me) while on his visit here for that wedding so it hurt me to hear all of this when he wasn’t making an effort to see me or spend time with me. So ignoring him made me feel even better as I pretended not to care.
Some time after this wedding, I saw him while he was living with my sister. I actually sat and spoke with him and at that moment, I forgave him. I saw him with a different set of eyes. I finally opened my eyes and looked past everything. I saw him as a human being, not as my dad, and realized that everyone fucks up, everyone makes mistakes, some people learn from them but some don’t. We’re only human. I just happened to be a pawn in his human life that he unintentionally affected and hurt but shit happens. There are just some things we cannot control. He could control his actions and his decisions but there are still things we cannot control or control the outcome of. Finally realizing this, I chose to see the whole situation differently. I chose to see him differently. He hadn’t been around almost my entire life and all for silly things but regardless of that, he was still my dad. He helped in creating my physical self. He was around for my brother and my sisters, which I’m actually happy for. He was good to my mom when he was with her. He was good to her even when he wasn’t and he’s still good to her. He tried to be good to me and at this point, this is all i have from him. His effort. He tried his best when he could and now i see why he didn’t try when i ignored him. No one wants to be ignored so why would you try to be good to someone if they’re ignoring you in plain sight? It’s never any fun. So I understood. And I understood him. I had compassion and empathy for him. I had realized that he was lonely and that was something I could relate to. Something anyone could relate to. I can’t bring back the years he wasn’t around or the times i was hurting because of him nor is it any good to be hung up on those feelings because there’s nothing left to do about them except let it all go, so I forgave him for unintentionally hurting me and i let everything else go. And honestly, because of all of that, my life feels better…I feel better. I don’t always feel angry anymore. I don’t always get mad when he tries to call, instead I answer the phone or call him back. I try, the same way he tries now.
Forgiveness isn’t necessarily about saying you forgive someone sometimes and forgiveness isn’t just black and white. It means seeing them in a new set of eyes in order to get past the hurt or anger and seeing them as a person. It’s trying to understand this person and see where they’re coming from to forgive them. It’s whatever works for you and whatever makes you feel good at the end of the dayy.
I just finished paying off my car. :O
I WANT BLUNTS AND BEER AND BITCHES TO CELEBRATE!
I was bleaching a jean vest yesterday and bleach got all over my hands.
I’ve washed my hands about 3 times, with regular soap and dish soap.
I also showered.
Washed my hands again after showering
& put hand sanitizer on.
& my hands still smell like motherfucking bleach. -_______-
ughhh. I wanna get out of Miami.
I’m sick of the air here.
I took 3 stamps over the weekend and went out on a random adventure with some new friends. We ended up at the beach. It’s the first time I ever trip at the beach and holy shit. It was both amazingly beautiful and frightening. It felt so good to be there and dig my feet into the sand, let the water tickle my feet, hear the waves and how they sound like thunder, being able to see so many fucking stars and letting them shine down on me. It was so breathtaking. Ughhh. I wanna do it again. But it was so dark. Looking at the water from the sand and just seeing how dark it looked, it seemed like it was going into nothingness. It was a lot scarier than I anticipated. At some point, we needed Christine to walk us into the water because we were too scared to go in by ourselves. D: After getting over that intial fear, tho, it was 10 x’s better.
It was one of my best trips. It was an intensely mellow trip, if that makes any sense.
On a side note, I’ll probably be tripping at a park this weekend. That should be interesting. It’s still outdoors but it doesn’t have the sand/beach element that the beach does, obvs, but I’ll be out in natureeee and it’s gonna be so pretty and awesome.
Ughhh. LSD is a hell of a fucking drug. nomnomnom
I wanna take another train trip.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Take all that negative shit from your life and toss it away. Time for some motherfucking positivity in this bitch.
Its been over a year and the mere mention of you still brings me to tears. I miss you so much.