For the last several months I’ve been listening to music I used to listen to in high school, after I graduated, before my current relationship. Bands I used to listen to religiously every day during high school. Or albums I played out during rough times. lol. All that music I’ve once forgotten about and holy shit. It’s so crazy all the emotions and memories that come up when a certain band/group plays or certain feelings that come up when certain songs play. It’s ridiculous.

It’s also crazy to think about how much time has passed since I last REALLY listened to that song or band. Also how much shit has gone down during that time. It feels so good to think back to that and feel happy with my life. I mean, i realized i’ve done some pretty fucked up shit, a lot of dumb shit, and an incredible amount of just silly shit. So, it feels good to just idk, feel like I’m past all of that. I guess I feel grown up and more determined with my life than I was before and it just feels really fucking good. 

i feel people do certain things in their lives cause they feel its a competition.

like, who can get the best job first.

who can get the bigger house first.

who can get the better/faster/newer/nicer car/phone/tv/gadget first.

at first, when you’re on the outside looking in, its nice to see someone achieving and moving up with their lives. its great, actually, if you’re a “real” friend.

but then when you start to notice that they just do this to make themselves feel better about “other” things or the attitude they have is like, “ha! i beat you to the punch” or “I WIN” kind of attitude, it’s really just sad.

cause then you realize, these people aren’t doing these things for themselves. or because it makes them genuinely happy. or because they just “want” it.

you realize it’s more of like, i’m better than you because i have this. i’m richer than you because i have this. i’m “happy” because i got this new phone before everyone else. 

um…no. boooo!! lameeee

get that better job because  of you. not because you want to beat your friends in getting a better job but because it’s what you’ve been working hard to do.

get that bigger house because it’s what you always wanted. not because your friends live in a rinky dink apartment and you need to “show them” how its done.

get that new phone because, well, maybe you need a new phone. or maybe because you simply WANT it for yourself. not because it’s the newest/coolest gadget that none of your other friends have.

get that nice, expensive car because maybe you fucking deserve it and you’ve worked so hard for it. don’t get it because it was the most expensive car on the lot so you just wanna brag about how much it cost you.

like, at the end of the day, no one really cares what you have unless they’re just materialistic assholes, but if those are the people you’re around, keep on keeping on. but if you see yourself alone, with all your silly ass gadgets and a bunch of money and a big house with no one to share it with, probably unhappy, you should step the fuck back and re-analyze your life and figure out what YOU really want. 

life isn’t about competing with one another. 

leave that for work.

we all have our own battles and our own path to walk. we shouldn’t be competing, we should be encouraging and helping each other. we’re all just trying to live the best we can in this chaotic life.

that feeling you get from being in the city for too long.

my feet want to feel the grass underneath them.

my lungs want to inhale the freshness of the flowers and the trees

my body just aches for all of it.

I just changed my whole outfit (bra included) while driving 65/70ish mph. I think thats my best record. :o

My belly and heart want sushi

but my bank account is like noooooo niggaaaaa. ramennnnn

There was a place I went thru the last time I was in Puerto Rico.

It took us a couple hours to drive up that mountain but we were almost directly across from el yunque (the rainforest they have there). I just remember sticking my head out the back window and feeling the breeze.  So many tall trees and grass, so green. Random horses and dogs roaming the open fields. Ugh. 

It was so fucking beautiful.

How I wish to be right fucking there right now.

there’s a sadness in me that rattles my bones

lurks the corners of my mind

spills into every thought

and every word

it makes me ache for something i don’t even know exists